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| he was just pleasing himself every moment we spent together. not even aware of the fact that he was treating me like a girlfriend. clearly he wants all the benefits and none of the obligations of being in a relationship. I suck. I suck. I suck. | | |
| today I could not work because my iron got so low. I can barely stand or lift any body part for longer than 20 seconds. I called in sick and promptly cried because my boss was so sweet and said I shouldn't worry about finding someone to work for me, he would make sure of it. I feel incredibly guilty for calling in sick but the rational fraction of my mind says I'm a fool if I try to work like this. I almost always do anyway except for those rare beautiful days when I have energy. I texted Jay to see if he was busy, he says he'll call when he finishes work. He cares! I grin inside so big I might cry. Low iron messes with emotions? I hope so or I'm a big mess. | | |
| I apologized, we hung out, it was amaaaaaaazing. Now I guess we are back "together". He is so sweet, so smart, so cute, and so not my boyfriend. I don't want to care, but I do alil bit. Maybe just cause I feel like he's waiting for something better to pop up, although that's irrational cause I'm kinda cute and pretty funny and he thinks I'm super smart...anyway. enough about my boring love life. somebody tell me something about themselves. I've missed you these past few months! | | |
| Am I the bitch? I mean, I let him get pretty near all the way on our first "date" but the whole time leading up to it I was trying to convince myself his intentions were pure. The thing is, he kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to do this and I said yeah. So I totally knew! I think he was just being a guy and pushing it as far as he could and I was being a slut and letting him when I should have stopped him like normal girls do. What kind of Jedi mind trick was I doing on myself? How could I imagine he was manipulating me all along when I practically threw myself at him? Fuck. Now I feel like a brainless bimbo and a total mental-case.
I am two seconds away from apologizing to him. Somebody stop me before I make an even bigger ass of myself.
EDIT:
this is what I said.
"sorry for being so short with you last night. you didn't deserve that. I didn't want to make a fool of myself, but I figure I already have by now, and I'd rather be a fool than a bitch so here goes. I can't use you to avoid dealing with my problems anymore, I have to face them. If that's what you're doing too, I really hope you figure everything out."
I am a total loser.
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| that's all I'm crying over you.
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